So since we only got one day for a weekend, we decided to go off to Nashville for the evening and, well, we didn't have a real plan, so we wound up just drinking at multiple alcoholic establishments.  Actually, that sounds like enough of a plan for me.  My penchant for finding myself in outrageous situations will take care of the rest.

I packed a small bag for the night.  I didn't have any clean shirts, save for one T-Shirt.

That's right, THE T-shirt.



We went to bar #4 or 5 or so, and I had a Guiness.  Looking at my watch, it was about 12:30.  With bars closing at 2 a.m., the night was drawing to a close.  A group of people at the table next to me decided that it was time for them to go as well.  As one member of the group passed our table, he asked me what my shirt said.  I held it out for him to read.

"That's awesome", slurred the massive Tennessee native.
"Thanks"
"Where are you guys from?" he asked.
"Uh, New York"
"New York?" he exclaimed in surprise.  He looked like he wanted to fight.  Based on his size, he could have taken on all three of us at once.
"Yeah, but we're just here on business", I explained.
"Oh, OK.  Well, later" he said, walking off.

We decided to go to another bar on the other side of Nashville.  We hailed a cab and wound up at one of those Coyote Ugly bars (it's a chain).  After an hour, guess who I see in the Coyote Ugly?

If you said Massive Tennessee Drunk Guy, you might be right.

Massive Tennessee Drunk Guy (MTDG) picks me out of the crowd as he and his posse are leaving the bar.  He's clearly in "I love you, man" mode at this point.  I figure this is better than "I want to break people" mode.  He puts his hand around me and informs me that he's staying in the Millennium Maxwell House Hotel. 

Okay, so 1.) A Dude just told me what hotel he's staying in and 2.) Strangely enough, it's the same hotel we're staying in. 

He asks me where I'm staying, and I kind of obfuscate, "Well, uh, my friend booked the hotel, so I don't know what the name of it is". 

While the Massive Tennessee Drunk Guy has his arm around me, he points out a hot female Coyote bartender and informs me that if I give her two dollars, I can place the two dollars anywhere. 

"So tell me.  What would you do to that girl?" asks MTDG.
"Uh, I guess I'd fuck her" I say, not certain what to say to make the guy just go the hell away and not break us in half.
"Would you fuck her in the ass"
"Sure!"

He takes a serious look at me and contemplates this.

"I like that" he says.

Oh fuck.

Just then, my friend informs me that we need to look for our other friend because it's time for us to go.  Wingmen:  helping people disengage from hostile contact since 1914.

So we hail a cab and get going back to the hotel.  As we get to the hotel lobby and make our way towards the elevator, guess who's coming through the lobby door?  You know how these stories go...

Not wanting to attract attention, we speed up our step, hustling one another along.  Immediately, my wingman hits the button for the fifth floorr.  I urge the wingman to hit the "close door" button.  I half expect to see a massive hand come through the door as it's closing.  Fortunately, we're up, up and away without incident as we sprint from the elevator, race into the hotel room and deadbolt the door.  I give the closet one final look before going to bed, praying that the guy doesn't find some way to look me up in the morning.

I guess it all has something to do with the Darth Vader "Dark Side Cookies" T-shirt. 

Focus:  Anyone almost get raped by a creepy Massive Tennessee Drunk Guy this weekend?

So part of the 10th Mountain Division's inprocessing is a briefing which covers many relevant issues. Every new soldier was seated in an auditorium where we learned that the 10th Mountain Division believes that alcohol is bad and it leads to STDs. You know, forgetting the second half of that proverbial maxim, "Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all the world's problems".

Okay, I'm exaggerating. The whole briefing wasn't on STDs. The CG did visit us and he gave us his training guidance and other interesting stuff like that, and the chaplain gave his spiel on the services around base, the IG talked, etc but the crux of the briefing was alcohol leads to sex which leads to STDS.

Of course, with pictures.

Now, when your mom is a nurse that has worked in the field of "Public Health" for a while, the standard STD-shock-and-awe class actually become funny. Indeed, my mom was actually known as "The Condom Lady" because one of her duties was to distribute prophylactics to poor neighborhoods. (One of those 200-count boxes "disappeared" from her stock when I was in college, where we used them for practical jokes) Anyway, I think we must be one of the few families that actually thinks that the talk of the latest pubic lice outbreak is appropriate dinner conversation, but whatever.

Now, they tried to lighten the mood in the midst of the the standard pictures of one disease or another by playing a video from Mad TV which parodied Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous Girl". This is one that definitely deserves parodying because you have to question what Nelly Furtado was thinking: Hey, I think that all those original songs like on my first album weren't artistic enough, I think I'll look to, say, Britney Spears for inspiration in my next album. Yeah...

Anyway, not only are the lyrics funny in this video, but I always wondered about that sound at the end of the song...is it some bizarre instrument in the background or did Nelly Furtado get drugged up and have her wisdom teeth taken out right before the recording session, forcing her to kind of groan the tune in the background? After viewing this video, I put my money on the latter of the two. Video appears after the cut:

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Infantry commanders: It is best to thoroughly think out your Priority Intelligence Requirements and ask for specific things like, "number of MANPADS in this area", as opposed to "Uh, just look for any unusual activity in this 50km grid".

Because Army Aviation WILL come through on that last one. (Or, in this case, a UAV).

You may not want to click below the link

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